When I started writing this blog a year ago, I had a very small idea of what I wanted it to be. I knew I wanted to share my story and the traumas I have been through because I felt it needed to be shared. I didn’t know how in-depth I would go, or how many parts of my story I would keep. The reality is, my story isn’t a warm and fuzzy one... It’s dark, it’s twisted and as the adage says, History repeats itself… in a way it did… Not exactly but in a sense…. I allowed and accepted certain behaviors and continued to allow them for years from everyone I knew. The situations were different, but my allowance for certain situations was the same. I finally decided to break the cycle and change something… I stood up for myself. I fought back for myself. I took care of myself. I stopped letting others walk all over me. I quit walking on eggshells. I quit letting people demean me or make me feel less than.
I started taking steps to a healthier lifestyle, I started making an effort to improve my self-love. What I noticed, is when I took care of myself others took care of me. People stopped treating me the way I used to treat myself… It was eye-opening… The law of attraction if you will. I was attracting negativity in my life… When I quit accepting that and aimed a little higher, a little higher met me halfway… It was easier to obtain… I met a group of women who were on a similar journey of personal growth. We encouraged one another and we learned together. We learned FROM each other… What we determined is we all had value… We all had something to share that could bless someone else… We all started projects we felt we could help someone with. Something we had more experience with than most, something we were an expert in… or something we went through that gave us the survivor stamp for that subject. We aren’t professionals, and we don’t have degrees from an Ivy League school…. But we have received our Masters through experience… On the job training, I suppose you could say. So we started the venture of writing blogs, starting podcasts and groups to unite and help women on our same journeys…
I chose a blog… I like to write… I hate my voice, so a podcast was way more intimidating to me. I may start one sometime soon… Challenge myself further to increase my personal growth.. after all, we don’t change or grow without a little struggle. But a blog would challenge me enough by
breaking down my barriers and pushing myself to be vulnerable. I asked my husband for his permission to share my story as part of it includes him, and he supported me. He told me if it’s what I needed to move forward then he supported me. I went full steam ahead and with his blessing, I told the cold hard truth that is my life. I told the details without being perverse or X-rated. I shared every inch of my story as it influenced the steps and courses in my life… That included sharing some of the other people’s lives...
I kept their identities private except for my rapist and my husband… Some may ask why I shared those two…. They are not related in any way… I felt my rapist didn’t deserve to be kept secret… Nor do I think anyone who is friends with him will ever read my blog nor will he. I shared my husband, one- for the obvious, he is still my husband and anyone who knows me or follows me on social media will know who he is anyway, and two- because our stories are entwined.. forever. He recently read my blog for the first time, and he was shocked.
He knew I was sharing my story but he had no idea how open I was going to be… I thought I had expressed that, but apparently I was not clear. I feel the need to apologize publicly to him and to you as my readers… I felt I had shared my love for him and expressed how I was very aware that his shortcomings were directly related to his struggle with alcohol. I do not think he is a horrible
person, he is one of the kindest, most hardworking, and funny humans I know. I am blessed to have him in my life. I am even more blessed to have him as the father of my children. He is an incredible father and during his battle with alcohol, he has never stopped being a good father to them. He has put them first, and cared for them, played with them hours on end, and given them an intense understanding of the outdoors and creativity. He is embarrassed that I shared his story so openly, as he is ashamed of his past and his poor choices. He has not really addressed them or healed himself from his own personal traumas that led him down his dark path, and felt exposed before he was ready. I need to apologize for that, and I need to make sure it is clear- he IS an amazing human who provides well for his family. He works harder than most and is dedicated to doing a great job and progressing in his company. He went from an entry-level associate to a salaried manager in 3 years. He is not done growing either! He has many goals and levels of accomplishments he is ready to achieve. He works hard, so I can stay home and work a part-time job from the comfort of my kitchen and have the time to write my blog.
The cold hard truth is exactly that… its cold, its hard and it’s the truth. Our pasts aren’t perfect, nor are they necessarily pretty. But we are who we are now, because of what we have been through. Individually and together... As we near our 10 year wedding anniversary and plan our big trip together, I am constantly reminded why I love him. Why I stuck it out when many told me I should leave. Why he is my forever. He makes me laugh far more than he makes me cry. He supports us and loves us. He is an amazing parent. He is hardworking. He loves and respects his parents. He is giving and sacrifices a lot for others. He is beautiful. He is talented. He is sexy and he is mine. He is my forever, and I wouldn’t give up on him in his darkest hours… Isn’t that what love is? Through the good AND the bad. Doing your best to make it work and help carry one another? He carried me through my darkest times, and I held on trying to carry him through his. We are all human, we all make mistakes.
I’m not saying no one should ever get divorced. But if you feel it’s worth saving- save it! If everyone gave up on the ones they loved when they messed up, we wouldn’t have any marriages left. I stuck it out. Why? Because HE is worth it! I love him and I always will. I hope he still thinks I’m worth it every day. My love for him grew even through our adversity. I love him UNCONDITIONALLY. I hope you have a love like that. A love that is worth it through the good and bad. Because YOU are worth it, too! Together we can rise from the hardships of our pasts and become our best selves… I’m proof of that. I still have room to grow, but I always can and that’s a beautiful thing! Join me on a path to healing. A path to loving yourself and knowing your own worth as well as the worth of those you love.
