As my birthday rolls around tomorrow, I am reflecting on last year. The day started with my husband in quarantine, all 3 of my kids home and on one, and I felt very isolated and alone. Sadly when I think back to last year I am filled with negative feelings. There were a lot of good things that happened that day, but all I remember feeling was angry, alone and like the world was never gonna let up. Even though sweet neighbors and dear old friends dropped things off and sent cookies from crumble and my parents and sisters threw me a belated birthday scavenger hunt with 30 incredible messages to me, last year is burned into my mind as one of the worst birthdays.
Now as 31 is quickly approaching, I can’t believe its been a year since that day. For most people this was the worst year of their life, for me- I really can’t complain. Sure it sucks to socially distance, not see friends, miss family on the holidays, and wearing masks constantly sucks. But so many great things came from this year that forced us to slow down and stay home. I work from home already so my job was unchanged. Oddly my company boomed in the midst of the pandemic. I am grateful for that. My husband’s job was secured and although he had to go out into the world every night, I was grateful he works the night shift and sees way less people. We got to spend more time getting to know our kids and building bonds stronger than before. We talked about our deeper feelings a lot more.. We stayed together, we played together and we laughed a lot!
This past year took many opportunities from me, but I also gained many. I am thankful the year
is over and I look forward to a new one… Out of curiosity- has anyone felt like the year after a big decade birthday made you feel older? 20…1 or 30….1! 40….1 or 50……1? 30 was meant to be a big milestone and maybe it’s because last year as a whole sucked the life out of everything good for a while, but I almost feel like saying I am 30…1 makes it feel so much older… I don’t know. Maybe I am weird. But hey! I will embrace being weird any day. Being different makes me more interesting right ;).
As I look forward this year the things I hope I can reflect on are that Jake and I finally get to take our big anniversary trip (Last year got cancelled), it is our 10 year Wedding Anniversary in April and we have some great plans for time alone. I also hope to share more healing in our relationship, I hope to share that my relationship with my kids continued to grow and I was a better mother THIS year than the previous one, I hope to share that I love myself more than ever, I hope to share accomplishments and success. I hope to share joy, love, laughter and peace. These are the emotions and experiences I hope to have in this 31st year of my life.
I know I have been struggling to get a post out for a while and I don’t want to give the wrong impression that it’s been harder than I anticipated because it’s unfolding negatively…. I just want to be sure what I am sharing is rooted in more than my experience, but with real science to back it up. Rebuilding trust in a relationship where betrayal has been experienced is hard, and for some impossible. I can’t tell you the number of mom support groups I am in where the first answer to so many advice seekers is “leave him girl!” If they wanted to leave, they likely wouldn’t have asked the question to bunch of strangers… They are looking for any reasonable doubt… they want a reason to stay. There are those who have been divorced after a long battle of hanging on who say “I should have left a long time ago….” where that may be true for them, it doesn’t make it true for all. There are those who stay who wish they would go… Feel like they can’t leave… Then there is me…
I know our relationship has gone through toxic times, I know we still have times where we are both still so childish and immature, I know we grew up together and we changed as we grew… I know I told myself I would never be with a man who was unfaithful. But after loving a man who struggled with fidelity, I couldn’t imagine giving up on him. On our relationship. Even when we flirted with the idea of splitting, it never felt right to me. I prayed all the time to know what to do… Every time I felt “stay” was my answer. I would question that over and over again… I would plead with God to give me a clear answer… “stay….” Always came to me. I felt peace after “stay”… I took it that my marriage was meant to last and that great things were going to come from this marriage. Jake and I were put together for a reason. I fought it in the beginning, life and bad choices tried to tear us apart many times… But I stayed.
I love him more than I ever have. He is my one and only. He is an amazing father. He is funny. He is gorgeous and he is mine. Betrayal on both sides has been part of our story… the scales balances heavier to one side, yes- but we are both guilty of hurting one another. It may be in the back of my mind at times and I worry I am not enough every day. But I love him and I trust he wants us to last. I trust he wants me and loves me. I trust he loves our kids. I trust he has grown up a lot. I trust we are on the up and up. Insecurities creep in, history scares me. But I don’t want to give up and I want to defy all the odds stacked against us. I want to rise like the phoenix I am and be better than I was before. History shaped me but it does not define me. Why? Because, Mama, I AM WORTH IT! So are you!
