• Alli Fields

Chapter 9: A little secret....

Updated: Feb 19

Flashback to last week when I mentioned how I knew leaving my husband and his friends to finish the clean up of the old apartment was a bad idea…. Remember that? Well… A LOT of his friends came over and as most alcoholics do- they found an excuse to drink… The next day was September 11th, so why not play a round of beer pong and dedicate it to the soldiers and all those who died or fight for that day….? Sounds like a great idea…. if you are drunk.

I had no idea what was going down because I was at our new place the next city over, getting it setup and moved in. It wasn’t until the next day that I learned the idiocy that occurred that night… Short version… There were a lot of loud people drinking and playing pong… someone had a 4 ft bong and was smoking marijuana in the bathroom with it. Loud music, loud drunk guys and the police were called. Police knock on the door and idiot drunk friend thinks “It’s a party open the door!” Said drunken idiot invites officers in… face in palm on repeat….

Remember how Jake is 20 years old, and some of his other friends are the same age if not a

little younger… Only like 3 of the people in attendance were 21 or older. As the officers wander the empty apartment and the guys explain the party, they are all ticketed, told to go home… Friend who was 21 and opened the door was arrested for distributing to minors. Not too terrible for everyone… Except that when at court Jake got his license suspended (even though he wasn’t near a car… Utah suspends licenses to underage drinkers….which I get but don’t at the same time), and was put on probation with mandatory classes he had to take as well as a hefty fine… We were newly married with one income… and very different schedules and now he couldn’t drive himself. 1 year suspension of his license was the worst part! Having to take him everywhere and work out bus schedules and everything else we needed to do at different times at different locations… All I could say was “you are idiots…. what the hell were you thinking?”

PRO- the house was cleaned out just fine and we were able to move past the party house! Instead of large parties they became small gatherings of 2-4 friends rather than 15-25 friends. CON- we still had a weekly taco night where people came to eat, then sat around drinking beer and playing video games or watched movies… It wasn’t all that bad when it was one friend and their drunken minds got them hooked on Desperate Housewives so I got a guilty pleasure placated while he got what he wanted. But that’s kind of a weekly thing that occurred through all this next part…

So! He was ticketed on the 11th of September and his 21st birthday was on the 17th… Ironic isn’t it? 1 week! 1 week and he would have legally been allowed to drink, but also would likely have been arrested for supplying minors with alcohol. CRAZY! So naturally for his 21st Birthday, Jake wanted to go live it up in Vegas and we had been saving for months and even saved some of our wedding money to go to Vegas for his birthday… We went to the show BITE, which was pretty good actually. Its a topless vampire themed show, and when I got over the discomfort of topless women it was well choreographed and interesting… Then came audience participation time… Jake was well buzzed and super excited when he locked eyes with one of the Vampire ladies… she was asking him on stage… oh… no… not HIM…. ME! She came to collect me and walked me on stage with a few other audience members…. From the audience they picked two people to “turn into vampires” and turns out they were the most AMAZING aerial silk couple! What they did was breathtaking! (PS this is a hobby I want to pick up on a learn!) But that’s besides the point. We spent the night walking the strip and continuing to get drinks… Remember how I can barely stand a mixed drink… Well it wasn’t sitting well and I had to go back to the room for a bit…

Jake was annoyed! he wanted to go out and be on the town, but here I was puking in the

bathroom… I had barely had a single mixed drink, and I knew it wasn’t going to be something I was going to consume a lot of. I already knew I didn’t like it much and SOMEONE had to be sober and responsible… We ended up staying in the rest of the night… Mind you it was already like 4a… We popped into a strip club on our way out of town just because it was on his list…. No one was dancing, but he had a nice chat with the bar tender and an off duty dancer. We drove home and that was that. Life went back to normal and the next semester had started. He was back to dancing on scholarship with the ballet company, we took ballroom classes and were on the same team together. I was working, his Native American tribe paid him a stipend to attend and focus on his school work and not have a job. So we were doing okay on that front.

But being back in class meant he was back dancing with Shauna and the other girls every day… I was a little nervous how he was gonna do. But things seemed to be fine and normal with no weird longings. Ever since we got back from Vegas, I hadn’t been feeling well…. after 4 days of feeling crappy I decided to do everything suggested by friends and family to determine what was wrong… I scheduled a doctors appointment, I checked my temperature, took a pregnancy test that instantly turned positive, and I even started the BRAT diet to try and narrow it down…… WAIT… Instant positive pregnancy test….!?!!?!? Uh. second test…. instant positive… CRAP!

CRAP CRAP CRAP! I was pregnant?!?! Damn it! I couldn’t be pregnant… We had only been married 6 months and it was supposed to be extremely hard for me to conceive…. My husband was secretly in love with another woman, was drunk all the time and I was pregnant. I wanted to be excited because I wanted to be a mother, but what was he gonna say? How should I tell him? I cried. I had no idea what to do from here. What should I do? I asked the girls at work... they said I

should just tell him....I tried to feel it out… I asked him, kinda chill, what he would think if we had a kid.. he said something like “Well, it would kinda suck right now, but we’d figure it out I guess.” I replied that we should figure it out then, because I was pregnant. He thought I was joking and when I started to cry he replied "It wasn’t a joke?" and he gave me a huge hug and said, “Hey hey! This is a good thing, right? I mean it’s gonna be hard to figure this out, but we have 9 months to figure it out! We can do this. Hey- yay!”

At this point I didn’t really believe what he said. He didn’t want this, but what could we do now? We don’t believe in abortion, nor was that something I even wanted. I wanted this baby.. I got excited internally and changed my upcoming doctors appointment to an OBGYN appointment. It was my little secret for now. I felt like an IDIOT for drinking AT ALL, no matter how small the amount, in Vegas when I was clearly weeks pregnant. I was at least a month, if not 2, along. We had a baby due in May! Things were really gonna change…. Hopefully for the better. Hopefully this baby would bring us closer together and take his focus off of his wandering heart. Maybe it would be the catalyst we needed to put it all behind us and start our life over with renewed hope. A little secret hope.

I want to end this weeks post by saying- don’t let your excitement or happiness for something being overshadowed or dialed down because of someone else’s possible feelings are even real feelings. I didn’t allow myself to be excited for my oldest. I let my fear and concern of how my husband was going to react dominate my emotion and how I handled it. I wish I had allowed myself some excitement and joy. Why? Because, just like YOU mama, I was worth it! Let’s rise together and share our excitement for what’s coming in our futures! They are bright and I can’t wait to see you RISE from your ashes and SHINE!

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