You know how sometimes, when you hear something enough times, you start to believe it? I started to believe all I was good for was a good time. I still had some morals and boundaries I wouldn't cross, but I pushed my boundaries a lot... You can imagine the kind of guys that were
interested in me after my reputation plummeted. One guy, who I can barely remember details of our relationship even though he was a lot of my first sexual experiences, did a number on my psyche. I wasn't the only one... He had a weird hold on his friends too. Almost like they were scared to lose his friendship if they screwed up... They wouldn't cross him or do anything without his approval. I really couldn't tell you why... I dated this kid for 8 months in 8th grade. We had plenty of fun, but he sure knew how to make me cower mentally. He encouraged me to be more adventurous.....
Okay, hold up.... I'm almost reluctant to share the details of my life in this chapter for fear of
making any of you uncomfortable, but I feel a strong urgency to be raw and real and honest for those in need of my story. Just know the experiences in my past do not equate to who I am today. These were my trials, my hardships and my pain that led me to where I am now. To where I can help you overcome your past and present struggles. If this post doesn't resonate with you, I hope you will continue reading other posts and know I have put in the work and paid the price to be where I am now and I want to help you avoid the battles if I can!
Okay... back to my life. This kids who we will call... JOHN?.... No, it's not his real name. Doesn't even start with the same letter. John and I got a little heated with heavy make out sessions and petting over clothes. Feeling the control I had over his desire felt powerful. From a girl who was powerless in so much of my life, that ability to get his attention and fuel his desire was intoxicating. That is the extent of our sexual evolution, but can I tell you how broken I became when he dumped me. I couldn't tell you now, why we broke up, because I truly have no idea... But guess what started to happen AGAIN..... I was the slut people enjoyed shaming. No one said a word to me while I was dating "John"... But as soon as I was not in his possession, I was a target again.
The next school year I came back different. I dyed my hair from blonde to brown and cut it shorter. One night, after a concert of some kind that I attended at school, I was getting ready to leave and an incredibly cute kid caught my eye. He was smiling at me, and his teeth were PERFECT! They were bright white, perfectly aligned and he was strong looking and had the most crystal clear, bright blue eyes I had ever seen. Who was this kid, why was he smiling at me? Not only was he cute... he was a gentleman.... He ran over to open a door for me. He was not close, but he ran there and said "Here, let me get that for you." I had not met a boy so kind.... Let's name him "Danny".
"Danny" showed up at a basketball game I was cheering at and after the game, introduced himself to my mom and asked if he could hang out with me sometime. He made a BIG impression and was so polite. I had not been treated that well in a long time. I was super intrigued and interested in what this kid was all about... ( side note that I realized later- he was one of the "slut" coughers from 7th grade.... Wish I knew that sooner.)
We started hanging out together with some of our friends... This group of friends became pretty close and spent all the time we could together. "Danny" was an amazing kisser. So good- that we spent an entire movie making out at the very back of a mostly empty movie theatre. I couldn't tell you what movie... I have no idea what I missed. "Danny" had a friend whose dad was out of town for an extended period of time. They lived next door to an Aunt- so he got to stay home and just
get checked in on... Obviously- your mom brains have alarm bells going off... and rightfully so.... An adult free home with sexually charged teens is never a good idea. If our parent's knew there was no adult, we never would have been allowed to be there. We kept the house dark so no neighbors or aunts would know we were there, we didn't have cars to give us away, so we just got dropped off and left the garage open for our parents to see a car in the garage, which gave the illusion of an adult being present. We were sneaky. (sorry mom)
The more time we spent at this dark, adult-less house- the more frisky things got. There were a lot of empty rooms we were able to step away to. Again, not a proud place for me to be. I was raised better than this. But this guy was perfect in my eyes. He was sweet, handsome, funny, kind.... until one night when he wasn't.... One night at our friend's house we had stepped into a private room, and our making out was getting pretty heavy. Shirts went flying and pants slipped away. Making out in our underwear was the furthest it had ever gotten previously... until that night. He wanted to have sex. Groping, rubbing and petting weren't enough anymore. He was craving more... I wasn't there yet. I was still unsure about what we WERE doing. But he was safe and it felt right. 15 year old me just knew I was gonna marry him (insert eye rolls and palms on foreheads here)....
I was not ready to have sex even though I had done pretty much everything but. That was a big step. It wasn't on my radar. But it was high on his list of next steps... I will never forget the way his eyes changed from the kind boy I was in love with, to a person I had never met... He pushed me away pretty hard, stood up and paced the floor. He aggressively asked me if I really loved him because it didn't seem like I did. I went to him to assure him I did. I kissed him passionately and told him of course I loved him. He told me we should have sex if I loved him... I again answered that I wasn't sure I was ready for that step yet. His face twisted into anger and he slapped me... hard. He called me a tease and took off his underwear and aggressively came toward me.
He sat me on the bed, his face sweet and calm once more, and wiped my tears off my shocked
and stinging cheek. He apologized and told me he had no idea what came over him. That he loved me and I didn't deserve that and he even cried himself. He told me he wanted me so badly it was hard for him to hear me say no. That his love for me was so intense that he needed that connection with me to know I felt the same. Stupid girl that I was, who was anxious to show him I truly did love him as much if not more than he loved me... caved. I had extremely unmemorable sex for the first time with him after he hit me. What an awesome first and LAST time.... I did not intend to do it again. I had proved myself and my love by giving him my virginity. That would be enough, right?
Wrong. He expected sex pretty much every time we were alone. If I wouldn't give it up easily, a blow of some kind landed on my face, or my stomach. Always careful not to leave a mark or to have an excuse if one arose. Eventually I quit saying no and I embraced my new role. I seduced and instigated. We dated 9 months that felt like years. How does a 15 year old boy know how to
manipulate and fool people so well? "Danny" was so charming that no one knew... not even our friends. I was so blinded that I did everything I could to be around him even after we broke up. I wanted to be with him even though he abused me and took my virginity. I hated yet loved him. I didn't want anyone else to have him... I warned girls about him that I noticed he was showing an interest in... Knowing full well if he asked me, I'd go back to him... and at one point I did let him have me again in hopes it would bring him back... Slowly but surely with new friends in High School, I started to lose that pull he had on me. He turned into the biggest jerk who treated me like a lost puppy who wouldn't get lost, the glamour wore off and I was able to see who he was without a desire to have him again. Unfortunately, my self esteem was so low at this point that I allowed 4 other casual encounters with boys in my Sophomore year. I always had feelings for the boys I slept with but I was clearly a toy to them, and I knew that. I knew they just wanted my wiles. My body was a perfect 10 in high school, with the added bonus of a D cup.
It shouldn't have surprised me what happened the next year, but I still cant wrap my head around it all the time... The upside- I met my future husband the next year. I hated him at first.... but that's part of the next chapter. So what positive things can we pull from this dark post? Maybe that you are not alone? Maybe that you had it better? Wherever you sit here- remember that life brings it's own challenges to each of us and where we end up is the important part. You may not know someone's history or what events changed them. But we shouldn't be afraid to share them! Keeping the bad inside only hurts us... it makes the hate, anger, sadness or guilt fester and build. Our insides turn to sludge and our light dissipates. I would love to know your story. Why? Because, Mama, YOU are worth it! Together we can rise above our pasts to overcome and conquer the world! See you next week for Chapter 3.
Disclaimer: Next week’s post contains graphic and detailed retellings that may trigger or bring discomfort to readers whom are sensitive to sexual assault.