I’ve written 20 Chapters of my past, and now I’m here. At my present day life. Today is a gift, which is why it’s called the present. Tomorrow is a blessing and it is the future. Yesterday is history and what’s been said and done cannot be undone. All one can do is live each present as their best self so that the history is positive and the tomorrow’s history will be the same. Today may seem insignificant in the years and histories shared, but today will be my past when tomorrow comes. So my next section of writing will be reflections from the past week which now make up my NEW and Present History.
As I think back on what I have learned from my story and if I would change anything….I see quite a journey. Where I wish some things would have been less painful or handled differently, I wouldn’t change the event in my life. I am who I am today because of the horrible treatment of adults and kids alike, because of the abuse and sexual trauma I endured and survived, because of the emotional and physical affairs on both sides of my alcohol infused marriage, because of the healing, acceptance and self love that has taken me years to develop and are still in development today.
I won’t sit here and tell you I am perfectly healed and I am a perfect being who has overcome all
and now have no bitterness, judgement or unhealed wounds. That’s simply a lie. I will always have room to grow. I will always have days where I am back at square one. I will have days I am triggered beyond repair, and I will have days the smallest, sound, scent or likeness of a person will send me into a rage, a depressed and twisted spiral, an uncontrollable sob fest…. These things occur. More often than I would like to admit. But the opposite is also true.
I have learned forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, unconditional love, compassion, understanding and worth of others and myself. I have many more days of joy, peace, acceptance, healing, love, compassion, forgiveness and the ability to persevere in the hard times. I have gained important friends in the women who taught me how to love myself and see my worth even if I didn’t feel i deserved it from others or that I got it from others. That my worth was not defined by my peppered past or the events that unfolded so aggressively and sometimes unfairly against me. That I was worthy of love from others but most of all from myself.
I had a lovely reminder of my worth this last week and again this week when I had a repeat visit to “clean” a dance number for a high school dance company. I thoroughly enjoy taking a dance, be it my own choreography or another person’s, and making it sharp, together and cohesive with the proper emotion to connect with the audience. I call this cleaning. I love to CLEAN dances and plays, and whatever else you can think of in the dance/theatre world. It was such an amazing feeling to be reached out to out of the blue and asked to come clean a number that happened to be choreographed by an amazing choreographer in our area. What an honor. What a boost to my self esteem. The results were the most satisfying part. To see where it started and see the drastic contrast to the final result after my time. Opportunities to claim part of who I am that isn’t focused on my day to day expectations. My kids, my husband, my house, my chores and errands or even my job. All of these are things I love but are the expectations for my day to day.
Choreographing a jr high musical, cleaning a high school dance number, these things give me a boost of joy and express my creativity. Successfully baking a treat that is beautiful AND delicious, another item that brings me joy. The perfectionist in me loves these detail centered things. Especially when I do them well. I hope you will continue on my present journey with me, ask me any questions you have about my journey… share my journey with someone else who may need it. I want my story known so it can help someone. I truly am open to your questions and curiosities. So long as it does not breach the privacy of those involved, I will always be open and honest. Together we can reflect on the past and journey as well as navigate the future together. Why? Because, Mama, WE are worth it! Happy Thursday!
