Hey it's Lindsey.... Here's To New Experiences
I have thought about writing my experience down on paper for many many years. But I’ve never done it. As I sit here trying to start writing about my life experiences I feel an overwhelming feeling. Is it fear? Is it anticipation? Is it nerva-cited? You know that feeling of being nervous and excited at the same time? I am getting the feeling it has something to do with HEALING. Even as I just wrote that last sentence my eyes filled up with tears. Holy moly! Now I’m crying. Right here in this very moment I am crying. How can this be? I have talked about this so many times with friends, family, therapists, mentors. I have done so much healing. And yet the thought of writing about it brings me to tears. I don’t want to feel this.
The thought of even beginning to write my story creates that feeling in me of pain. Drop to your knees, pain! Cry in your closet, pain! Put the covers over your head, pain! Sink into the bathtub while showering, pain! Debilitating, pain!! I am surprised at my reaction to writing this today.
This is hard. I have thought about my life, learned from my life, faced my life head on, kept moving forward. So why would writing down what I already know cause such a reaction in me? I don’t even know where to start. But I know this, HEALING hurts!! I know from experience that it is easier to be naïve. It is easier to close my eyes to what’s really going on around me. It’s easier to play make-believe that life is perfect and that everyone around me is good.
To face the truths that have hurt me has been more painful than the actual events. When things hurt we have two choices 1. Justify the feelings away (running from truth) or 2. We can sit in that pain long enough to really accept that we hurt, proceed to face it, learn from it and live life with more opened eyes from the thing that hurt us. He hurt me, the world hurt me, I hurt me!
Even with all the fear and residual pain, I look forward to sharing my story. If my experience can help another woman heal from her own pain, I will happily write them down. When we share our experiences we grow and we get a little less lonely. We realize we are not the only one hurting or going through hard times, and we connect to others which makes the world less depressing. I look forward to our weeks together where you can hear my story and I hope one woman out there can heal or begin her healing. Let's enjoy the journey.