• Alli Fields

The Struggle IS real!

I started my fitness goals for 2021. I cried. A lot. Mind you this is not the reaction I expected to have. But let's back up a minute here. For the 2021 year, my goal is to have a continuous work out plan. I’m not tying myself to a number of pounds to lose or giving myself a deadline. My goal is simply to eat better, cut out as much soda as I can, and to have a consistent workout routine that I stick to. I struggle with my self-image and what I think about myself. I always have. Whether it was that I was too “sexy” and made parents uncomfortable, brought the interest of less than respectable guys, or that I didn’t look like I did when I was “too sexy” and feel ashamed of what I look like.

I know I am in control of my body and what I do with it. But I have struggled a lot to figure out what to do with it. When I had my oldest daughter, I looked pretty dang good weeks after delivery. I didn’t think so then, but looking back, I looked GOOOOOOOD. I started the recommended birth control and gained 40 pounds… yup. 40!!!!!! I got off that birth control and exercised regularly, ate like a bunny, and quit drinking anything with unnatural sugars. I lost 2 lbs after 6 months of this… All the while I was trying to fix my crumbling marriage and spiraling into a silent depression. I gave up. I gained another 5 lbs and couldn’t really deal with it.

I’ve done so many things to get skinny sans any eating disorders or surgical options. I’ve kind of given up but still have a huge desire to be fit and skinny. As I currently sit 42 lbs heavier than I would like to be, 3 kids later and rebuilding a marriage riddled with deceit, betrayal, and addiction, I really want to make a change but struggle believing it will happen. This is why I made the goal to stick to a routine all year. I’ve done A LOT of personal development and the one area I can’t seem to “fix” is my weight. I take a lot of pride in knowing I am giving my body what it needs through the nutritional supplement I take. It’s done a lot for me. MY hair and nails are strong and healthy, my complexion is clearer than before, I sleep better than I have since childhood and it keeps my anxiety and depression in check and manageable…. But what I am NOT so good at, is exercising consistently, and depriving my body of junk it doesn’t need.

I didn’t push myself to start my goals before the new year or on New Years Day after an extremely late-night partying with my kiddos and husband. But my hubby did. He started a couple of days before New Years' and is restarting his Sobriety goals. Do you know what’s really NOT fair? I mean REALLY not fair….. HE doesn’t look bad to start, right? Like even though he drinks a disgusting amount of alcohol, he really doesn’t show it. He does get a beer belly or anything like that. He seems to retain water and he looks a little bloated at his worst… But all it takes is 2 freaking days of not drinking and minimal exercise for him to be cut again. He already has an abnormally freakish physique. He barely works out but he has sexy muscles all over… it’s his years of soccer and ballet where he lifted women heavier than him and did intense training at a barre. But it all comes back instantly!

It’s frustrating, it’s humiliating and it’s heartbreaking for me. I am so happy he is fit and looks great, but I cannot bring myself to exercise in front of him, or close to him. So tonight when he went to babysit for a friend, I decided to whip out some old DVD workout vids that I spent hundreds of dollars on years ago. I haven’t put them in the DVD player in 5-6 years, but in the DVD player one went. From the second I started the workouts, I was shaking… it was hard, it burned and that was great! But there is this flat tire around my ovaries that proved to get in the way a lot. Way more than I ever knew was possible… “Oh well” I thought… “I’m exercising to get rid of that! Keep Going!” I finished the workout- barely! But I was proud, I pushed myself and did mostly the advanced options of the workout. I was already feeling sore, so I got out another DVD that focused on stretching.

It was going great! I am still really flexible from my childhood of gymnastics. I can do both splits without warming up, I can touch my toes, and I have a killer back arch. I have high arches in my feet and decent turnout in my hips and feet. This was just meant to ease my muscle tenderness tomorrow. Turns out, that flat tire around my lower abdomen…. Made it hard to stretch to a place that I actually felt stretch, and if I held it too long…. I felt like throwing up. I finished the stretch workout. Sat down on my yoga mat, and cried. Just sobbing. What is up with my body. How did I let it get here? Why does stretching make me physically ill? Why have I been having ovarian pain, and now this flat tire sits on top of what feels like a decent abdominal muscle I didn’t know I even had?

It’s been hard for me to understand my body…. Buying clothes hurts my heart because I think I get a big enough size, try it on and it’s too tight…. I think I look pretty okay - in fact, I have a really slender back and hourglass figure from behind…. Until someone takes a photo and I see my back looking like a silverback gorilla when he is puffed out in defense mode. What is the backward body dysmorphia I have going on that I don’t think I look as terrible as I clearly do, yet feel like a humongous fat woman but don’t have the motivation to keep a consistent routine? I really don’t know…

But what I do know, is I don’t want to feel like this anymore… I need to stick to a routine, just for the mental health benefit of exercise. I will continue to work on my personal development on how I see myself so I can move forward in life even if I never lose my 42 lbs. As long as I am healthy and doing what I can to stay healthy- I will learn to love myself and my body on the journey. With lots of work physically and mentally. I guess I wanted to start this series on my blog one to motivate others struggling with the same feelings to know you aren’t alone, and two- to keep myself accountable… If I know I plan to write on it every week, I want to be able to tell you I was consistent! So- for the month of January my goal is a minimum of 2 days a week with 1 hour of workouts. Come February It will be 3 days a week 45 minutes. March 4 days a week with a minimum of 30-minute workouts. My goal is to stick to at least those 4 days for the rest of the year. I’d like to do more, but I want to be realistic in my expectations and time with my kids… Why? Because Mama, like you, I AM WORTH IT! I will rise like the phoenix and be stronger. Rising from my emotional ashes to be the better version of myself who can do hard things and who loves herself. 1 day down, 1 more to go this first week of January! PS.

Since writing this post I have stuck to my 2 workouts a week of 30+ minutes and I even walked 18k steps on Thursday, January 7th. Man, I was sore! I have found this week harder as I have been dealing with a painful flow- but I am determined to stick to my goals! How are YOUR goals going? Don't give up, if you falter- just start again! The only way to fail is to quit trying. So don't give up on your goals and your dreams! They are worth the effort. Why? Because Mama, YOU are worth it! Rise above and soar!

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