Chapter 18: If A Tree Falls
Shortly after my son was born, I lost my job. I was working for an online marketing firm with a very talented guy. He was a good friend. Towards the end of my employment he was going through a divorce and things just weren’t the same. He would tell me to bill someone and pay my paycheck with it, then seem to forget he told me that and get upset and ask why I did it. One day he started the morning assigning me tasks and by 3p he was firing me… But requesting I finish the project I was working on in order to get my final paycheck. It was a really confusing time and hard because it wasn’t the boss i knew and respected… I felt like I was valued over the years until this day when I felt like i was tossed out like garbage… Not to mention when I took my final pay out of the final project and put the remaining amount in the account I was accused of stealing from him.
I was struggling with self worth…. Jake was still having issues with drinking but not nearly as it was, but I was triggered and reminded every time i smelled it, saw it, heard the can pop, noticed any tells…. Not to mention emotional with my hormones regulating postpartum. Juggling three kids…. I didn’t feel successful or like a contributor. Losing my job in such a way really demeaned me and made me feel worthless. I didn’t feel loved by my husband, I didn't feel valued at my job before I was fired and sure didn’t after! 3 kids was hard. Two of them were 15 months a part, the other was thrown from only child to oldest of 3 in a matter of a year… Dad left the stay at home position and was working full time, mom and dad fought a lot… there was some emotional damage to navigate and I took the brunt of her confusion, anger and sadness. I was drained and desperate for something to make me feel of worth.
I dear friend of mine reached out to me with one of those “opportunities”….I have tried MLM’s before and I know how hard it is to reach out to friends and family. So I am always willing to hear people out… We had her over and she showed me her presentation. Jake was tuned out like he usually is with these things. But something resonated with me. I told myself if the money were available I would do it, knowing full well the money wouldn’t be available… The money became available! out of nowhere I had the money to join… So I took that as a sign. I joined… You guys… I'm not kidding best decision! It’s not about the money earned or the perks with a company whose compensation plan pays its partners 54% (which is unheard of in Network Marketing), it’s about the product and the self worth that has been gained since. Sure the others stuff was a huge bonus, but things changed! This product is a natural health product and a few things happened. My appetite was curbed and I started to thin out…. My hair that never grew past my shoulders was now middle of my back in a matter of months. My nails that never grew or cracked and broke- were strong and healthy. I was sleeping more soundly and felt more rejuvenated and rested (and I had a newborn). But what’s more- He wouldn’t have noticed but I did, Jake talked about craving alcohol WAY less when he would take it. There is something about providing your body the proper nutrients it needs to function on it’s own that makes a huge difference. Food is Medicine…. I later learned this same product would help my daughter with ADHD Focus, my terrible toddlers to be more reasonable and throw less fits… It’s a staple in my house. I can't go back.
But what’s more, the women in this network are incredible. They took me on a journey to find myself. My worth, my talents, what I have to offer and how to share it with those who need my experience and love. My self worth has tripled. I still have my struggle spots but the investment was worth what I have found in myself. I love how MY development as a person is more important than my placement or rank in the business. They truly focus on developing the people to be their best selves and rest follows. My ability to be a more patient mother has improved, my ability to stand up for myself, my ability to stick to my boundaries, my ability to see my husband with kinder eyes and less focus on the past, my ability to love and forgive myself for my shortcoming and my mistakes. That journey has been worth it.
As I was on my journey, Jake was on his own… at the start of the new year when our son was born, Jake started his trip to sobriety! He was excelling. He was doing incredible. He was up for another promotion. Guess what… He got that promotion! He went to a training course thrown at Home Depot’s HQ in Atlanta. He was a strong leader and voted top leader at the week long event. He spent his down time exercising in the hotel gym, and did minimal socializing to keep his sobriety in check. He didn’t want to lose control or succumb to peer pressure or social expectations.
He held to it… I would learn months later that he caved on the final night and had 2 drinks to celebrate with the other trainees. Which would make his slip into drinking understandable… Shortly after his promotion and move to a new store, we moved. It was a big expense jump, but it came with an additional bathroom, 3rd bedroom, garage and a YARD! A LARGE backyard. In my mind it was well worth the up in cost. Our kids needed a yard. Jake had slipped into sneaking drinks. I had asked him to promise me no drinking in this new house that wasn’t tainted with alcohol memories, and at this point I was unaware he had been drinking again, so when he said yes, I believed him… The hard part here is he was in control. I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been digging for something in the garage and found an empty vodka bottle. I started to dig around a little more and found others… cans of different beers etc. He had fooled me. It reminded me of the saying “if a tree falls in a forest with no one to see it, did it really fall”…. Which bothered me, but made me think… If he was in control ENOUGH to not make me suspect he was drinking, would I be able to live with it if he were not getting drunk and ruining my self worth all over again. If he weren’t triggering me and he was able to drink in moderation….. That was something to think about….
Deciding what you can live with and what your boundaries are is a key part of life with an addict. To life in general.. Maybe you are someone who says yes to everything people ask you to do and you are drained and tired but have no idea how to say no… Boundaries are a great skill for you to learn. Knowing when you can't do more, take more or have more is important. Why? Because mama, YOU are worth it! Till next week!